On relationship fights on the road
(photo above of Grand Canyon, AZ)
I’m not a graceful fighter in relationships. I throw temper tantrums and assert myself pretty starkly, unabashed at the brashness I exude. I wear my heart on my sleeve. From my perspective, Asher’s a bit more graceful—a quiet soul. He’s stubborn and stands his ground, but doesn’t yell unless provoked too far. But he does argue back—yes sir, he does.
So you can see how our opposing demeanors might conflict? Wellllllll, they did on the road. Let’s be real, we were together THE WHOLE TIME, for six weeks straight. On the whole we were fabulously compatible. We switched driving shifts like pros, handled finances flawlessly, navigated the roads with an impressive amount of ease, and shared the most beautiful of sights together. Our souls will forever be stitched together because the universe orchestrated this amazing opportunity to see the raw beauty of this country, and we did it TOGETHER.
But: I’m not delusional, and there were a *few* moments when the energy came crashing down and we collided into raw reality. It snowed when we were supposed to camp with only a thin sheet to keep us warm, flooding blocks the route to our destination, I’m HANGRY and no I don’t want another stupid turkey sandwich EVER AGAINNNNNNN, I’m too tired to move and we still have to pitch the tent, there’s no more firewood and I’m freezing, money is dwindling dwindling, I NEED CHIPOTLE. And, I miss beans. What the hell am I going to do with my life when I get back (too real?)? On and on.
In those moments, naturally we both needed space to clear our heads, and I encourage you to take. that. space if that happens to you. And most importantly know, it’s normal and there’s grace, grace abounding to get you back on your feet whole. And it doesn’t mean there isn’t love between Asher and me, but these are realities we all have to face. When you find a person you want to be with and you’re wondering if it will last forever (or at least for a bit), the question isn’t, “Will we fight too much?” You don’t ask if you’re going to get along, or if you’re going to love everything about that person.
You instead ask if you can truly be vulnerable with this person. Is this someone I can learn from and is he willing to learn from me? Am I willing to see this person’s faults, accept them, and cherish who they are RIGHT now (and vice versa)? And is this someone I can make the choice to love even through the hard times? And then, you do the best you can.
Side note: if you’re in one of those relationships where you never fight and it never gets ‘too ugly’, then that’s great, but not what I’m referring to here. I don’t have expertise in that realm. lol.
The questions you ask are supremely important. The shift in this line of questioning is a matter of perspective. We all have a choice and that freedom of choice is not only a privilege in this world, but something you honor someone with. I’m certainly not an expert in this field, and I’ve messed up, and done things so horribly wrong that I felt unlovable at points in my life (some of you know my story, and understand where that might come from). I’m still learning how to fight fair, and be the best partner I can be, and it’s still incredibly messy. But it’s also incredibly beautiful, and I feel so much love and acceptance from Asher because he’s honored me by standing beside me through the ecstatic, romantic, and lovable moments, and also through the ugly, messed-up, bludgery ones, too!
So the moral of the story is, travel, and just see what comes out of you. Observe it, and you will inevitably learn from it!